This is for Bailey...

When Jeremiah suggested that we leave Florida to go somewhere where he could get an education in ministry, I jumped right onto that bandwagon. I have always thought of myself as daring, free-thinking, hard-core sort of girl who likes to shock people with the extent, and often the off color of my 'grit'. Contrary to popular belief, it was much harder for Jerm and the kids to adjust to the idea and to actually follow through with selling our possessions, and packing up our life to move away from my mom, my nieces (grand-nephew) and my church family than it was for me. I'm a rebel! A John Wayne of my gender! The do-what-you-say-and say-what-you-mean daughter of Ralph Blackwell for crying out loud! I had no qualms about this at...all, period. Funny, how I can be so stupid, yet manage to remain so insightful about my stupidity.
From the time I can remember, I have taken to heart that verse which says, "who will go for us?" I was ready, I wanted to go where ever God wanted me to go, no questions asked.
Two months down the road, I realize that I FOOLISHLY did not work up any contract with God nor did I agree to go under any stipulations which suited my wants and desires. It dawned on me last Friday that God did not ever agree to provide me with a home here. He did not EVER agree to providing me with a second church 'outfit', fast food on Fridays with the kids, the laundry detergent I have been using for 5 years that I prefer, new glasses to replace the ones broken in transport.....(I could go on, but I think the point has been made:) I have been struggling most with the thought that if God wanted us to be here and if we made the right decision that everything would have fallen in place and this would not have been so painful. But, the truth is that God is not my Santa and he never promised me ANYTHING, other than my load would be lighter than it is now and that He would be with us until the end. He told us to go, and we chose to obey. Now we have to just sit in the lonely silence and wait for God to reveal Himself to us, but now I understand that He does not reveal himself through 'good' circumstances or through 'everything working out just right'. He has revealed himself by quietly and patiently waiting for me realize that obedience does not always equal spiritual or material prosperity. I am not promised anything, but a lighter burden....

I find that I am often frustrated and worried because things have not worked out just as nicely as we would have thought. (We envisioned a much different, i.e. easier, transition than it has been.) It has been hard, really hard for all four of us. Emotionally, physically, psychologically...Just plain HARD. Since we arrived, yes even the first day, I have really been struggling with the reality that God is not my santa and I should not expect Him to be. I know that I shouldn't expect that 'it will all work out because we are doing what he wants us to do'. I know that is not the truth, nor was it promised to me. Ironically, I was reading Foxe's Book of Martyrs in the last few months before our move, and I remember that I said to Jeremiah one evening that all the apostles, save one, and including Paul, were all martyred. Wow. I remember thinking, that there was no reassurance for us. Even if we did emark upon this mission for God, we did not have the promise that we would come out of this without pain. I was really worried about that.
I can happily say at this point that we have yet to feel any real, tangible pain. We have simmered, thats for sure! But we have had food, been able to pay our bills and have not really suffered in any way. In response to this blessing of safety and provision, our faith has begun to take an upswing.

-We are still struggling with the feeling of being on on an extended vacation, and all feel like we are waiting to 'go home'. This is a hard thing for the kids because 'home' to them is in FL and they often comment, sometimes in tears or angry voices, that they want to GO HOME. We are praying to find a home here, one that feels like a home. Please pray with me that we can find that place which will give the kids, a house to call a home for the next 4 years. This is important to us, probably the most important right now. Thanks for listening! I miss you all.