Everything has been quiet here for some time. We have procured the cutest 1930's craftsman bungalow to live in, I've settled into the job, kids into school and Jeremiah into his routine as well. I find my self avoiding my own school work of late, too much time researching chickens as a hobby. These last couple days have been exceptionally hard, as the 1 year anniversary of dads death looms on the horizon. I remember the events like it was yesterday and these last 360 days were just a bad dream. I remember especially his smile and his joking with me that last night we sat in the ER "just to check him out" and that next day he was vented, sedated and I never spoke to hime again. So much to say, ...all left unsaid. I'm in physical pain as I think of it. A broken heart does hurt. I'm so worried for my mother this week before Thanksgiving, as last year we spent it at dads bedside, not caring about the holiday we were all missing. However, that last thanksgiving was the first time in years dad had his girls together and I know he would have been very glad about that. Days ran into weeks and then finally on December 4th he went home. It sucked. Happy for him, devastated for me and my sisters. This 1 year anniversary is like re-living it all over again, in technicolor. Not so much of the heart rending reality, but similiar to an old, sad re-run that you don't want to ever watch again, but it is on every channel and you can't seem to turn it off and walk away.

This is for Bailey...

When Jeremiah suggested that we leave Florida to go somewhere where he could get an education in ministry, I jumped right onto that bandwagon. I have always thought of myself as daring, free-thinking, hard-core sort of girl who likes to shock people with the extent, and often the off color of my 'grit'. Contrary to popular belief, it was much harder for Jerm and the kids to adjust to the idea and to actually follow through with selling our possessions, and packing up our life to move away from my mom, my nieces (grand-nephew) and my church family than it was for me. I'm a rebel! A John Wayne of my gender! The do-what-you-say-and say-what-you-mean daughter of Ralph Blackwell for crying out loud! I had no qualms about this at...all, period. Funny, how I can be so stupid, yet manage to remain so insightful about my stupidity.
From the time I can remember, I have taken to heart that verse which says, "who will go for us?" I was ready, I wanted to go where ever God wanted me to go, no questions asked.
Two months down the road, I realize that I FOOLISHLY did not work up any contract with God nor did I agree to go under any stipulations which suited my wants and desires. It dawned on me last Friday that God did not ever agree to provide me with a home here. He did not EVER agree to providing me with a second church 'outfit', fast food on Fridays with the kids, the laundry detergent I have been using for 5 years that I prefer, new glasses to replace the ones broken in transport.....(I could go on, but I think the point has been made:) I have been struggling most with the thought that if God wanted us to be here and if we made the right decision that everything would have fallen in place and this would not have been so painful. But, the truth is that God is not my Santa and he never promised me ANYTHING, other than my load would be lighter than it is now and that He would be with us until the end. He told us to go, and we chose to obey. Now we have to just sit in the lonely silence and wait for God to reveal Himself to us, but now I understand that He does not reveal himself through 'good' circumstances or through 'everything working out just right'. He has revealed himself by quietly and patiently waiting for me realize that obedience does not always equal spiritual or material prosperity. I am not promised anything, but a lighter burden....

I find that I am often frustrated and worried because things have not worked out just as nicely as we would have thought. (We envisioned a much different, i.e. easier, transition than it has been.) It has been hard, really hard for all four of us. Emotionally, physically, psychologically...Just plain HARD. Since we arrived, yes even the first day, I have really been struggling with the reality that God is not my santa and I should not expect Him to be. I know that I shouldn't expect that 'it will all work out because we are doing what he wants us to do'. I know that is not the truth, nor was it promised to me. Ironically, I was reading Foxe's Book of Martyrs in the last few months before our move, and I remember that I said to Jeremiah one evening that all the apostles, save one, and including Paul, were all martyred. Wow. I remember thinking, that there was no reassurance for us. Even if we did emark upon this mission for God, we did not have the promise that we would come out of this without pain. I was really worried about that.
I can happily say at this point that we have yet to feel any real, tangible pain. We have simmered, thats for sure! But we have had food, been able to pay our bills and have not really suffered in any way. In response to this blessing of safety and provision, our faith has begun to take an upswing.

-We are still struggling with the feeling of being on on an extended vacation, and all feel like we are waiting to 'go home'. This is a hard thing for the kids because 'home' to them is in FL and they often comment, sometimes in tears or angry voices, that they want to GO HOME. We are praying to find a home here, one that feels like a home. Please pray with me that we can find that place which will give the kids, a house to call a home for the next 4 years. This is important to us, probably the most important right now. Thanks for listening! I miss you all.

Sunday afternoon duldrums

Life seems to tick along so slowly that we often find ourselves so bored with the present we fixate on the next holiday or the next special occasion. We cannot enjoy the moment, because the moment does not exist. It is only a stepping stone into the future, the same future that we will not enjoy as the present because we will discard it as an irrelevant moment in relationship to that anticipated future. The problem lies in the fact that the future always disappoints, because it never delivers the great moment of redemption. It always remains...the unobtainable, undeliverable future.

We are all that we have, and that sucks for some of us!

Its so ironic that we can become so lost in the world when we are surrounded by so many circles of friends and family. The truth of that only becomes glaringly apparent when the many friendly faces have faded and only our inner circle remains. Instead of enlarging to make room for the multiple personalities we have become for multiple relationships we have formed, it binds even more tightly. Now in this little circle there is not enough room to share the 'bigness' of ourselves. Those selves that we did even not know we had become. Now in our little, isolated circle we scream when we angry, say ugly things when we are hurt, and we ignore when we are ignored. This circle has become foreign to us, but now even the outside seems so vast and lonely.
It is though we have to learn how to be ourselves again. Only now we have discovered that we are strangers to ourselves, and we feel lost.

We are praying that we can learn to be unpolluted by the world, to help our children to be unpolluted. We want to go into the world and to make disciples of all nations, to feed the hungry, to clothe the naked, to heal the sick. Please pray that we will become humble, true servants worthy of this mission.

Growing pains

I have guilt. More specifically, I have missionary guilt. I have discovered several truths about myself that make me feel inadequate to this task that we have set ourselves upon.

Although it is easier to leave than to be left behind, we are all equally as lonely when it is all said and done.

It is easier to ask for financial help and to graciously accept it than to be the one to decide on what to spend your friend's hard-earned money that they put in your personal trust.

It is so much easier to talk about doing something radical for God than it is to be alone in a place with nothing and no one, except the assurance that you are in the will of Him who loves you.

Begin the journey

As I was in the Tennessee shower this morning thinking of all the things I needed to do for the day (because I’m unemployed, although I thought I had a job when I moved 700 miles from home with that expectation) my mind slipped forward to all the other things I also wanted to accomplish such as write thank you notes to those who gave to us so generously, vacuum my rented carpet (yuck), lose 15 lbs…Then I had an idea that I should start a blog post for my friends and family whom I’ve so far away in Florida.
So now that I’m dry and dressed, I think I’m blogging. I’m doing this first because I do not want this task relegated to the “not accomplished pile” at the end of the day with my good ole friend Weight Loss. If you are one of those people who think, as I also think, that blogging is often an arrogant form of self expression for those who think that they have exquisite insight and everyone would be much wiser if they only shared in it, than my blog is not for you. This blog is for my friends and my family, who I miss terribly (sniff, sniff) and for those who have ever taken a giant leap out of their lives to do something for God without having a backup plan or considering the consequences of failure. (Or are considering doing so!)